How to program in C :-)

Read on...

1. Use lots of global variables.
2. Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3. Put everything in one large .h file.
4. Implement the entire project at once.
5. Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6. Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't quite understand.
7. Rewrite standard functions and give them your own obscure names.
8. Use obscure, proprietary, non-portable, compiled library packages so that you never have to move from the platform you love so well.
9. Use very descriptive comments like /* printf("Hello world\n"); */ before each function call.
10. REMEMBER - Carriage returns are for weenies. Tabs are for those who have not reached weenie-dom yet.
11. Include LOTS of inline assembly code.
12. "User Interfaces" are for morons. "Users" have no business interfacing with a professional product like yours.
13. If you are forced to comment your code (in English), then borrow comments from somebody else's code and sprinkle them throughout yours. It's quick, easy, and fun to watch people's expressions as they try to figure it out.
14. Remember to define as many pre-processor symbols as possible in terms of already defined symbols. This is considered 'efficient use of code'.